Everything we had, is no longer there

Yesterday at work, there was this little boy, probably only kindergarten/p1-2 age, he was thoroughly excited about getting this new ultraman bag his mum bought for him, happily skipping off with the bag on his shoulders right after it was paid for, with a smile so sincere I wish I could see it on everyone around me. I wish we could go back to those days when even a new bag could make us happy, so carefree and innocent where we had nothing to worry about. Unlike now.

ManUtd did a double over Chelsea in the BPL and Champions League, fucking awesome. Heart goes out to JohnTerry though, the captain whose final penalty kick should've sent his team into a state of ecstasy and won them the title instead of ManUtd. He was totally unconsolable after that.

David Cook's won American Idol instead of David Archuleta. Ima fan of both Davids, so no complains there, cos they're both equally worthy. DavidC's hot while DavidA's cute, but they both have insane vocals, so I don't really give a damn who wins cos I think both are good enough to produce albums already.

It's amazing how ppl in Myanmar and Sichuan are struggling to even get pass each day, and here in Singapore we're all safe and sound, going through the routines of complaining how hot the weather is, how some people can remain so skinny even though they eat alot, how there's always nothing to wear even though the wardrobe's already about on the verge of bursting so let's go shopping etcetc. I'm ashamed to be one of these typical Singaporeans.

I put on this facade everyday, everyone at work thinks I'm a happy, cheerful girl who likes to laugh and go 'yo yo' to everyone I see, when actually I'm not. It's hard to try and feel happy everyday when deep down yre actually struggling to come to terms with so many things and trying to understand the meaning of life-what am I living for? what am I gna do about my future? what and how am i actually contributing to society?- I still can't answer these qns I constantly ask myself.

Sometimes (okay maybe most of the time) I really like walking home alone from the interchange at night, or just taking long bus rides home alone, with my first generation Ipod plugged in and closing out the sounds of the people around me. I'm not a loner, no. At times I even like squeezing with crowds and soaking in the atmosphere. It's just that I like having time to myself to think about.. stuff. Stuff that I don't feel like speaking out about. I think I'm weird in that way. I like bottling up things to myself, so much that I don't really know how to pour it all out to even the closest friends. Not that I don't trust them or anything of course, it's just.. I rather keep them to myself. That's why most of the time I only talk about the happier things/events that happened/are going to happen, when deep down I'm actually feeling terribly down and out. I think it's a way to escape from reality, talk about the happier things to forget about those that are not. Like how keeping yourself busy, trying to squeeze as many activities as you possibly can into a mere 24hrs a day is a form of escapism.

So to friends out there like Z and C, it's not that don't wna see/talk to you guys, it's just that right now I'm not in the mood too. I hate it when I have to carry on conversations when actually I really have nothing else to say, but I have to just because I don't want to appear aloof or anything.

I just want to plop myself at Starbucks everyday reading my books (I'm trying to finish up The Time Traveller's Wife now) and not give a heck about anything else that's bugging me. Tampines Starbucks is still the best.

Sorry for the long, incoherent, rambly entry. It's hard to sound coherent when you haven't been blogging for more than a month. And when yre struggling to come to sound decisions at the crossroads of life.